True Love
I want to
tell you a story. A true one, like all my other stories on this blog. But first
I need to get something off my chest, so bear with me for a moment.
Take the
time to listen to some pop songs from the 50s and 60s. Listen to the lyrics.
Note the innocent passion with which the word love is used. The immense
importance given to love as being something meaningful and desirable above all
else. Nowadays, however, its meaning is vague---the very word has become
devalued; I love chocolate ice cream. I love that song. Loved that book. Love
your wallpaper. Love that car. Love your new dress. Love your new hairdo. Worst
of all over the 'phone, "love you lots, 'bye." How fake. How shallow.
So yes, the
word is still used. But so guardedly, so hesitantly, so reluctantly in any
romantic sense when describing that powerful emotion for someone, that feeling
that transcends every other kind of worthwhile feeling.
What am I on about, you are wondering by now. I'll tell you. I think love has fallen out of fashion. It's not believed in, really. Come on, be honest. People talk about relationships now. Not about love. They wonder and estimate how long a relationship is going to last. Because every relationship nowadays is time limited. Like a loaf of bread on a supermarket shelf. And it can be entered into in the same casual way that you would reach for that loaf of bread which is needed to satisfy your hunger. And once that hunger is satisfied, well.....it's time to "move on", isn't it. To pastures new. To other "partners". How I hate that word. As if we have entered into a mutually beneficial business association with someone.
Well, isn't that what all relationships are about now? Sooner or later someone else will come along. One or the other of us will simply get bored. The habits of our "partner" will begin to rankle. We'll begin snapping at each other. The Magic's gone. Was there any magic in the first place, we start asking ourselves. Call it a day. Done well to last the time it did. Never mind the children. They will survive and grow up to be just like us. How sad. How very sad.
How depressed it makes me, this all-embracing cynicism when it comes to the possibility of any likelihood of a deep attraction, a passion that goes beyond the physical and up onto a plane that makes us dizzy with joy every time we look upon or even think about that someone whom we love. No, we've lost faith in love. Romantic love. It's a temporary feeling, like standing close to a fire to warm your hands for a few seconds. We don't really believe in it, because we've come to believe that it never lasts. And that's a mistake. An absolute tragedy.
What am I on about, you are wondering by now. I'll tell you. I think love has fallen out of fashion. It's not believed in, really. Come on, be honest. People talk about relationships now. Not about love. They wonder and estimate how long a relationship is going to last. Because every relationship nowadays is time limited. Like a loaf of bread on a supermarket shelf. And it can be entered into in the same casual way that you would reach for that loaf of bread which is needed to satisfy your hunger. And once that hunger is satisfied, well.....it's time to "move on", isn't it. To pastures new. To other "partners". How I hate that word. As if we have entered into a mutually beneficial business association with someone.
Well, isn't that what all relationships are about now? Sooner or later someone else will come along. One or the other of us will simply get bored. The habits of our "partner" will begin to rankle. We'll begin snapping at each other. The Magic's gone. Was there any magic in the first place, we start asking ourselves. Call it a day. Done well to last the time it did. Never mind the children. They will survive and grow up to be just like us. How sad. How very sad.
How depressed it makes me, this all-embracing cynicism when it comes to the possibility of any likelihood of a deep attraction, a passion that goes beyond the physical and up onto a plane that makes us dizzy with joy every time we look upon or even think about that someone whom we love. No, we've lost faith in love. Romantic love. It's a temporary feeling, like standing close to a fire to warm your hands for a few seconds. We don't really believe in it, because we've come to believe that it never lasts. And that's a mistake. An absolute tragedy.
Is it
because we simply have, so readily available, far too much of everything else
to satisfy our needs nowadays? It seems as if all it takes to make us happy are
the miserable little faces of our mobile 'phones and iPads, which we sit
hunched over for hours on end like succubi. If so, then we can no longer call
ourselves human beings.
Now for the
story.
Some time
ago I was a commissioning editor for a publishing company. I went to visit a
couple of authors up north about the new edition of a book that they had
jointly written. Let's call one of them Dr Sam Hudson and the other Prof Luke
Martin because names don't matter. Only love does, whatever you might think.
But back to my story.
Sam and Luke
were two of the most wonderfully charming guys I have ever been fortunate
enough to meet in my life. They put me at ease instantly, and we had an
enjoyable meal amidst much talk and laughter at a local restaurant.
I noted that occasionally Luke would look up and out of a nearby window, into the distance, as if searching for something, and his expression would change so swiftly and so briefly that in the beginning I was convinced it was only a trick of the light. For in that instant, he seemed to be looking into a dark and bottomless abyss into which he was about to tumble with no hope of rescue or last-minute deliverance. A sheer horror that made dark pools in his eyes.
I noted that occasionally Luke would look up and out of a nearby window, into the distance, as if searching for something, and his expression would change so swiftly and so briefly that in the beginning I was convinced it was only a trick of the light. For in that instant, he seemed to be looking into a dark and bottomless abyss into which he was about to tumble with no hope of rescue or last-minute deliverance. A sheer horror that made dark pools in his eyes.
But then
he'd turn back to us. Warmth would flood his eyes. A smile would reappear. This
happened several times.
Towards the
end of the meal, which to be honest we had hardly noticed having been enjoying
each other's company so much, Luke excused himself to go to the washroom. Sam
and I were left alone.
'Going
through a rough patch, is Luke,' I heard Sam mutter.
'Oh?'
Yes, I was really concerned. I'd got to like these guys very much.
Yes, I was really concerned. I'd got to like these guys very much.
'His wife's
very ill. She's only got a little time left.'
It was as if someone had come up to our table and upended a bucket of cold water over us. I didn't know what to say. Sam looked very sad and began fidgeting with the cutlery. 'They've been together a long time. Practically worship each other,' he added quietly.
It was as if someone had come up to our table and upended a bucket of cold water over us. I didn't know what to say. Sam looked very sad and began fidgeting with the cutlery. 'They've been together a long time. Practically worship each other,' he added quietly.
And then
Luke was back with us again and Sam and I hurriedly re-composed our expressions
to mirror the former enjoyment that we had been deriving from each other's
company.
Talk turned
to business. This was good because I sensed that neither Sam nor I were
comfortable going back to the former atmosphere of social enjoyment. Luke
didn't seem to notice anything amiss. He went on being a jovial lunch
companion. The perfect gentleman in every way. Hiding his terrible secret
because he wanted our brief time together to continue in a happy tone.
Six months
later I went to see Sam and Luke again. Sam had warned me that Luke's wife had
died.
There was a
different atmosphere, as was to be expected. I still didn't know the right
words to say to Luke, because I did not think any words could mean anything at
a time of such devastating and mind-numbing grief of the kind that Luke was
going through. A wan smile. The life washed out of his eyes. A pale blankness
and a strange kind of withdrawal from the world around himself--- no other way
to describe it.
Well, since I couldn't---no, it's more a case of I wouldn't---say any words of condolence, we rapidly moved on to discussing the new edition again. And there we sat, in a quiet corner of the university library, at a round table, discussing business and nothing else.
Well, since I couldn't---no, it's more a case of I wouldn't---say any words of condolence, we rapidly moved on to discussing the new edition again. And there we sat, in a quiet corner of the university library, at a round table, discussing business and nothing else.
Luke's grief
was so huge and awesome in its intensity that I was scared. It shocked me just
to look upon it. I felt bad about this as I so wanted to say something.
We got into
my company car and went to the restaurant for another meal. The conversation
was subdued and mainly had to do with work. Then, with the meal over, I drove both
Sam and Luke back to the university.
And then
suddenly, out of nowhere, Luke began reciting funny lines from Lewis Carroll's
Alice in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass.
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of
many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax. Of cabbages and kings.
And why the sea is boiling hot. And whether pigs have
wings."
(Almost without a pause Luke went on,)
"You are old, Father William," the young man
said. "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand
on your head---do you think at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his
son, "I feared it might injure the brain; but now that I'm perfectly sure
I have none, why, I do it again and again."
It was back,
that warm buzz that we three had felt at our first meeting! His face wreathed
in smiles, Luke had said the lines so perfectly, in such a comic tone, that
both Sam and I were laughing our heads off like maniacs. It was so well done,
such a neat delivery. Sam and I had tears rolling down our cheeks. Lots of
them. Sure, tears of laughter to begin with. Then tears of grief for Luke,
because we could show them freely now and make believe to each other that we
were still laughing at Luke's performance.
Back at the
university, Luke wanted to get dropped off at the library, saying he didn't wish
to go home yet. Goodbyes were said. For the first time I rather belatedly noticed
an air of neglect about Luke. His hair was too long and unkept. There were
little red nicks where he had cut himself shaving. A button was missing from his
shirt. He didn't look me in the eye when we said goodbye. I suppose he didn't
want me to see the darkness he was slipping back into.
I dropped
Sam off a little further on. He wouldn't look at me either. I understood that.
We didn't want to end up crying for Luke again. Couldn't have that. We were
professionals. This was meant to be a business meeting.
I went up
again, a year later. In my hands I had a copy of the new edition, hot off the
press. But this time it was only Sam I was meeting. Luke had died. No surprise
to either Sam or I. We'd both known it was coming. So did Luke. For Sam, Luke
and I were men together; we knew about love. And Luke had loved his wife too
much to survive without her......
Forget
finding someone else. That doesn't happen with true love. Forget getting over
it and moving on. That doesn't happen either with true love......
......there is no future. There is no life. Nothing matters any more. It's the end in every way. No? Am I being silly? If so, then you, dear reader, have never experienced true love. You have no idea what it is like. Which is just as well, isn't it. Because there is so much in this world for you to enjoy---good books, good food and wine, lovely holidays, fine clothes, fast cars. And don't forget your fancy electronic gadgets. Yeah. Who would want to stop you from enjoying all that just for the sake of true love! Go find yourself a time-limited "partner". It's what you understand.
......there is no future. There is no life. Nothing matters any more. It's the end in every way. No? Am I being silly? If so, then you, dear reader, have never experienced true love. You have no idea what it is like. Which is just as well, isn't it. Because there is so much in this world for you to enjoy---good books, good food and wine, lovely holidays, fine clothes, fast cars. And don't forget your fancy electronic gadgets. Yeah. Who would want to stop you from enjoying all that just for the sake of true love! Go find yourself a time-limited "partner". It's what you understand.
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